


What Am I Feeling (yunbin)

by fearyanomaly



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Awkwardness, Heartbreak, Love, M/M, Nightmares, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23149345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fearyanomaly/pseuds/fearyanomaly
Summary: Story of Yunyeong and Hanbin"Did your heart flutter?""A little."
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Song Yunhyeong
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's a old writing I did 2 years ago. I wanted to write more back then but well it ended this way. Hope it could contributes to the yunbin we lack.

_March 2016_

Hanbin was watching, his head hung low, his eyes roaming at eye level, his eyes followed only Yunhyeong. He simply watched, watched the older's movements. A little too curiously. A faint smile swept over his face. 

What he saw was Bobby teasing and poking Yun. A bunch of kids? pretty much. And clearly Yun wasn't having any of it. Avoided Bobby aimlessly, he moved around with his signature awkward-shy smile plastered on his face. 

As the final resolution, Yun fled towards the wall where Hanbin and June have been watching the little facade. June laughed, finding the whole thing rather amusing and decided to join Bobby in the teasing .

Through it all, Hanbin only watched. His gaze clumsily followed the pretty boy. 

With a Flippant smirk, Bobby poked Yunhyeong's arm again. The older had enough? He yanked his hand away with an exasperated but hearty laugh, "whyy,, why are you doing this?". Everyone laughed as he scurried away.

Hanbin smiled, slightly more at how the pretty boy was agitated. Just then he realized that yun had unconsciously squirmed a little too close to him. 

His heart fluttered a little.

_what was that_

....................................................................................


	2. Flashback or nightmare

Hanbin's face flushed a little pink, a little hot, feeling his dimples curving in his cheeks. What- is my heart racing-

Slowly observing his surroundings, he noticed how the older boy was just centimeters away. His scent smelled so familiar. So much like hyung, comfortab- Yun grabbed the younger's shoulder, pulling him infront as a human shield from Bobby. Hanbin's eyes widened.

Flustered would be an understatement at the abrupt gesture but to say the least he was slightly annoyed being startled. Typical Hanbin.

"IKON YOU ARE UP IN 5 MIN!"

Jerked back to reality, the boys laughed it off and composed their postures. Hanbin was slightly dazed and taken aback at how quickly everything passed. Not being able to process the sequence of events, he frowned half-heartedly but quickly regained his poise, "Ok Get Ready!"

iKON was on their TOUR in Hongkong, and they were on their way up to a public fansign. All the more, Hanbin had to get his head straight.

Jinan, Chanu and Dong came out of the waiting room hysterically engrossed in their conversation. 7 of them gathered in a circle and Dong lead their prayer as per usual, like they always do and headed up.

Hanbin watched everyone walk infront of him, finding his eyes automatically land on the older boy who seemed to be discussing something with Bobby. Yunhyeong looked back, catching his eyes.

Like a deer caught in headlights, Hanbin quickly looked away. Calm down, wth. Not wanting to seem weird and suspicious, he swiftly looked back and smiled, waving like a dork.

As he waved, Yunhyeong's childlike smile vanished.

The older's face turned dull and utterly lifeless.

His eyes, bleak and soaked in sadness, like he could hear his eyes crying out.

One by one, everyone was disappearing, the atmosphere turned desolate, the surroundings morphed into a dark abyss, engulfing the precious boy. He was getting pulled away, Hanbin stretched out his hand hyung!

He could feel Yun's despair in his stare but he couldn't reach him. The darkness was catching up-

_Yunhyeong!_

\--------------------------------------

Hanbin woke up, drowning in cold sweat.


	3. Back to Reality

March 2017

Panting heavily, Hanbin rolled the thick blanket off of him. He sat motionless for a moment to catch his breath. He squinted at the digital clock beside him, 2:00 am. He could feel a headache acting up. ah what's with these flashback-sorta-dreams??

He needed a shower, his hair was dripping with sweat. His t-shirt drenched, stuck to his back, he regretted wearing it to sleep. Usually he didn't sleep in anything except sweats or shorts but he did today.

His head burned with questions. He couldn't make anything of the dreams or rather nightmares that he had been having for a while now.

Actually he knew? deep inside he knew. There are usually few main reasons you would dream about someone.  
1\. You've been thinking about them.  
or  
2\. You miss them.  
or  
3\. You HATE them.

It can't be the latter but neither did he want to think about anything, he didn't want to know and he didn't want to come to any conclusions.

Sitting up he grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it off, lazily rubbing his hair and the sweat off his back. He got up and began heading towards the kitchen. He needed water. That's it. A good amount of water to chug down. Oh and painkillers.

Everyone seemed to be asleep. Quite early... Only Chanu, Yunhyeong and Hanbin shared the dorm, the rest were a storey down. Chanu would usually sleep very late, he's always busy gaming with Jinan or Bobby on the other side in their virtual world. Yunhyeong would sleeps before 12 am since he likes most things done in order and needs to get his beauty sleep.

His eyes half open, Hanbin dragged his feet to the unlit kitchen. The only light coming was from a dimly lit lamp in the living room and his lazy ass couldn't afford to switch on the lights in the kitchen. Hastily he rummaged through the basket on the bench for some Panadol.

He made rather loud noises with disgruntled puffs looking for a packet of painkillers for his headache. But nothing.. so he gave up and pulled the refrigerator door open and grab a bottle of cold water. Curtly he turned towards the kitchen table-"ah sHIT!". "Darn platform-" He hurt his foot. Instinctively he held his hurting feet trying to balance on his other leg. all this while holding the water bottle in his hand.

"You'll fall...", a voice spoke sleepily. Rubbing his eyes and snapped subtly, "and why are you so noisy!"

Yunhyeong looked at the mess Hanbin was and walked away.

"Why are you avoiding me...", Hanbin spoke way too softly for it to be heard.


	4. Unspoken Words (I)

Yunhyeong was sitting in the inky living room with the lamp on. He couldn't fall asleep and had been witnessing Hanbin's whimpers and sighing almost every night. That night was especially worrisome. Yun's stomach lurched as he heard panicked grunts and was tapping his fingers monotonously whether to check on him. 

Hanbin had been acting secretive and sensitive for awhile. It wasn't like him. It was painful for all the members to see the poor boy overworking and miserable. He fell into depression before having to lead them through 2 grueling survival shows. He had enough, they all had enough. Yun just wants everyone to experience the greener side, he just wants Hanbin to be happy. With their recent CB, he was afraid. Afraid that Hanbin would burden himself again. He was already distancing himself again.

Yunhyeong rubbed his heavy eyes and got up with nothing but pure will. He was drained from all the rehearsals they have been having. They reached a new extreme with the pressure placed on them. He was trying his best to take care of his members as well. Lately, he feels the need to be there for Hanbin more than before. Taking uneven steps he walked towards the younger boy's room.

He reached for the door kno-

"Hyung!", he heard a sudden thud and heavy breathing, Hanbin woke up. It sounded bad. Unsure of what to do, he scurried back to his room. _what am I doing._

His mind still on Hanbin, his ears perked as he heard the boy's footsteps coming out of his room. He was walking towards the kitchen. Then he heard rummaging.. of utensils and a series of unhappy sounds and humps. Uncertainty killing him, he decided to see what was happening and proceeded out of his room.

Sleepily, he observed the figure in the dark and though he found it cute, he couldn't take it any longer. The way the other fumbled and struggled over simple tasks made his hands itch. 

He went closer to the bench where the younger one hurt his foot. He watched him trying to balance with his hands full. Which made Yun blurt out, "You'll fall..." He mentally slapped himself at the unhelpful remark.

He couldn't see in the dim earlier but he noticed Hanbin's nose had turned pink due to the chilly weather. And he was topless in this cold, he mentally scolded him. His eyes raked the other boy's bare chest. He felt his cheeks flush- stop, he shook his head and left.

......................................................................


	5. Unspoken Words (II)

Yunhyeong returned with a clean t-shirt and shoved it at the bare chest boy.

He flinched as the t-shirt aimed at his head... it hit quite hard.

"Ow what was-" Hanbin was surprised to see Yunhyeong on the other side of the bench and scowled, "-s that abt?"

"uh..t- shirt", Yunhyeong stammered awkwardly.

"Wow a t-shirt", Hanbin scoffed sarcastically, "that's exactly what I need right now and defiNITely not some help."

Yunhyeong scrunched his nose, "Just wear it.."

He hastily reasoned, "and...it's cold", like as if that was the only reason for the t-shirt. Besides, he was too tired to bicker with Hanbin.

Hanbin realised the older boy's faintly panicked reply. He couldn't help but snicker softly.

He grabbed the t-shirt and the water bottle and intentionally limped towards Yunhyeong who was about to leave. He hung his hand heavily over Yun's shoulder. "At least help me to the sofaa", he whined.

Yun usually would help without being asked but was too flustered at that moment. He froze when Hanbin tucked his head into the cave of his neck and breathed into his skin sending shivers down his spine. He lead the boy silently.

Yun was literally carrying Hanbin considering how little effort the other boy. put into walking. And the fact that Hanbin was still bare made his face heat up. He felt his heart pounding against his chest at the realization that they were alone. Only them.

The older one had enough of his heart racing so he pushed him onto the sofa the moment they reached. But Hanbin caught his wrist, "Stay...", causing yun to plummet onto the sofa together with him.

Yun felt his breath knocked out, it was as if he couldn't breathe. He froze. You could say the same for Hanbin. As Yun was now on top of him.

With his head landing where Hanbin's heart was, he felt the other boy's heart pounding like he heard his own. Their faces reddened especially Yun, who turned crimson. It wasn't as if they never had skinship but it felt different. It had been like that for a while now.

Yun carefully moved his head, craning his neck up but his fingers fumbled on Hanbin's chest. Plunged in embarrassment, he hastily moved only to come face to face with the younger boy. His heart was pounding. He wanted to escape this so bad.

\------------------------------------

Hanbin subdued his chuckle at Yun's attempt. He looked into the other's eyes. His heart fluttered. In a moment, his nightmare flashed past his vision. The troubled eyes resonated here. He felt a sharp pang. His eyes stung.

He searched the other boy's face and impulsively pulled Yun into a tight embrace.

"Hanbin... wha-"

"shh.. for a while"

......................................................................


	6. Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay that's the end of it, thanks for reading :)

Yunhyeong's eyes darted everywhere before looking into the other's eyes. Hanbin looked smug, making Yun fidget and his ears turned red. But as he gazed, he noticed fear taking over Hanbin's eyes, his face turning pale-

Hanbin pulled Yun by his waist. Enveloped him into a tight embrace, like he would lose him if he let loose. 

Startled, Yun breathed, "Hanbin wha-" 

Hanbin replied weakly, "For a while..." 

Still hugging, Hanbin rolled onto his side. They were now side by side, entangled in each other. It's a surprise they didn't fall of the Sofa yet.

As much as Yun was flustered, he was worried about Hanbin.

They remained like that in silence. The tension was unreal. Their hearts were banging against their rib cages. And the wall clock ticking felt like a ticking time bomb. They heard their breathing heightened and uneven but slowly followed each other's rhythm till they were in sync. 

Yun cleared his throat. It had been a while. And god knows what would happen if they accidentally fell asleep only for Chanu to discover them in the morning. He went let them live. Oh the horror. So Yun cleared his throat hinting to let go.

Hanbin groaned wearily, tightening his grasp of the other boy.

"Hanbin ah," Yun whispered, prying Hanbin's fingers off his waist.

"Why are you whispering," Hanbin couldn't suppress a small laugh, he found it funny.

"Alright, get up.", he rolled his eyes, hiding his blush.

Hanbin simply looked at the other boy. Their faces were only inches away. He wanted to say something, his eyes looked like they were pleading to speak. He had so much to tell, about how much he loved the person in front of him but he wouldn't. 

He had always been like that. He distances himself once he got too caught up in his feelings and behaves like nothing had happened between them. 

Yunhyeong was tired of it. He cared for the other boy and loved him so much. He knew that Hanbin loved him too but he wasn't sure anymore. 

With Hanbin touchy with all the members, it was hard to tell. Yun couldn't help but feel jealous at times. Though with the both of them, they knew it was different, it still makes him question if Hanbin loved him. 

It had been a year and Hanbin never once admitted his feelings even though his eyes betrayed him a thousand times. He didn't confess even when Yun did. 

That broke Yun, it shattered his heart to bits. It took him some time to get over it, purely with his will.

Yun tolerated Hanbin being extremely clingy and playfully too close though they knew how they felt about eachother yet there was no progress. It always went back to square one; friends. Moreover, he couldn't bear to break the other boy's heart like his was broken. 

Sadly, he was growing tired of it. His heart had been played enough. He was drained. There was no hope in them. He was hurt enough and had no energy left. But little did he know, he was also breaking Hanbin's heart.

\---------------------------------------------

Hanbin's sad eyes carefully searched Yun's face. His finger tips grazed up his chiseled jaw, tucking the boy's messy hair behind his ear.

Yun felt his skin tickle and watched Hanbin's miserable eyes move restlessly. 

"Can I kiss you?" Hanbin's voice came out soft and chocked with emotions.

Yunhyeong was startled. He was exhausted, his heart was bone-tired. He was confused, his emotions were messed up, he felt utterly unfair.

Yun could not take it anymore, he couldn't keep getting his heart played. He felt a lump in his throat. He would rather have Hanbin ignore him than constantly give him hope only to leave him hanging. All of him hurt. He could feel hot tears forming.

"What the heck Hanbin...", he pulled away sitting up. The younger one followed suit.

Hanbin looked like he was about to cry. It was as if his nightmare was becoming reality. 

"sorry," Hanbin looked down, overwhelmed with guilt. In that fleeting moment he remembered the time he denied his feelings, rejecting Yun. He not only broke Yun's heart, he messed up his feelings. He broke his own heart too. He was the one to blame. He shuddered helplessly in anguish.

Watching Hanbin, Yunhyeong felt a searing pain in his chest. Suddenly he regretted it but couldn't think of anyway he could have reacted. 

"I'm sorry, " Hanbin fiddled with his fingers aimlessly. "I'm sorry...so sor-", his voice cracked. 

Yun felt like he was walking on glass, his heart ached in torment. He hesitantly reached for Hanbin's chin and lifted it up slowly.

Looking at Hanbin's tears stricken face, his eyes welled up. Gently, he traced his thumbs under the boy's sunken eyes, wiping the tears. Caressing his cheeks sorrowfully, Yun willed him to look at him. His eyes were so sad, lost; completely lost. And this was his last hit in life.

 _This is our first and our last Hanbinah_.

Yunhyeong leaned forward, his skinny hands cupping Hanbin's face delicately. He moved in till his lips touched the other's soft ones. His lips burned at the touch, prickling his skin. His fingers trembled as he felt sadness seep in from the back of his head. The boy's lips felt fragile and blue and pink. His heart was pierced over and over. Catching his breath, his lips quivered into the kiss as his eyes stung with feverish tears. He knew this could be their last kiss. 

Filled with melancholy, Hanbin pressed back tenderly. A tear rolled down. Yun's slender fingers trembled on Hanbin's cheeks, they felt icy and frail to the touch as he melted into the kiss. It hurts. Hanbin's heart seared with anguish. _Till I get better ... wait for me._

It was a heartbroken kiss. 

Hanbin broke the kiss and let go. He watched Yun's red eyes flutter open. His face still close, Hanbin placed his shaky hands at the back of Yun's neck. He straightened his back and slid his thumbs behind the boy's ears. With a stab in his chest, he pressed his lips against Yun's forehead, _wait for me hyung._

.........................................................................................


End file.
